Earth, Swallow Me Whole!

There are days when stupidity or something like it just gets the better of me. I feel helpless during those times and I call upon Earth to swallow me whole. Here are some moments.

Summer 2003
I went to Laguna with some friends from the grade school and high school faculty for some R&R. When we got to the front of a resort I was tasked to go to the reception to see if there are still some available space for us. So, I alighted from the van and went.

Me: Papasok ho sana kami.
Receptionist: Walk-in ba?
Me: Hindi, may sasakyan (sabay turo). Saan pwede magpark?
Receptionist: Huh?!
Me: …

Sasabihin ko pa nga sana na drive through pero buti na lang at nahimasmasan ako. Hahahaha!

Summer 2005
Camil, Malou, and I went to the Sta. Cruz Church in Manila to confess as it was Holy Week that time. After we confessed we went out and crossed the street to the bus stop. We rode the first one that stopped but when we got in the whole bus smelled of horse poop. The konduktor went after us and shouted, “May nakaapak sa inyo ng t*e. Baba na lang kayo!”

We checked our shoes and true enough, one of us stepped on horse poo! We got off the bus as quickly as we came in…amidst the angered bus riders.

11 August 2011
It was 7 in the morning and I was in line for eggs at an eat-all-you-can breakfast buffet. When it was my turn to tell the Egg Chef how I want my eggs done, my brain froze. We were talking about giving a bouquet of flowers for a retired school principal the previous day and knowing that the English language is replete with exceptions, I was instantly in a crisis. The pressure was even greater as there were Lasallian school Principals within earshot.

Egg Chef: Yes, Sir?
Me: Isa ngang ome—ley? Omelet?.. Ano bang tama?
Egg Chef: Huh?!

But he understood it and made me some delicious omelette. Nalito ako! Linsyak naman kasing bouquet at buffet yan oh!

22 August 2011
I was early for the 6 PM appointment with my former professor so I decided to kill time at the UP Shopping Center. Feeling hungry, I fell in line at a stand that sells fruit shake for a low price. When I finally got to the two ladies who take orders the crime went like this:

Me: Avocado shake.
Lady 1: With milk and syrup?
Me: (thinking that I have to pay extra for the milk and syrup) Hindi na. Okay na ‘yun.
Lady 1: Sigurado ka, ser?
Me: Yup.
Lady 2: Ano kayang lasa non?! Hihihi…(then she looks around as if asking the whole world to laugh with her)
Lady 1: Sigurado ka talaga, ser? Walang sisihan… Wala namang bayad yon!
Me: (just to save what’s left of my dignity and to avoid drinking avocado shake a la bland) O sige na nga pero konti lang… Diet ako eh.

Sa pagkakataong ito nais ko sanang sakalin yung dalawang tindera. Walang point yung pagtatanong nila kung with milk and syrup. Pero wala ring sense yung excuse ko na diet ako. Babawi na nga lang di pa inayos.


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